Zola the Gypsy Reads the Stars

What sign are you?

No, I don’t mean Aries, Taurus, or Gemini; the following is a thorough, in-depth Horoscope Reading based on your “running sign”. Determine which “sign” you are, and read the helpful advice for the upcoming week, plus predictions for your success and love life!

TRACK RUNNER

You go by the numbers. Which means unlike most other runners you probably have a job, but it also means you don’t have any fun, because who wants to go by the numbers? You’re really fast, an outstanding runner, but nobody knows it because no one is willing to run around a track with you.

This Week

Things are looking good. Flotrack is broadcasting highlights of the Slippery Rock University Invitational, so you and the 34 other people who are interested in this will have something to do while everyone else is out drinking beer and having a good time.

Success

You have two choices: make the US Olympic Team, or get in the conga line and start running marathons like everyone else. Either way, don’t quit your day job.

Romance

This is where you will excel. Having an actual job really helps, your toenails are not black, and you’re done with your workout and ready to meet someone by 6pm. But if you want to score, just make sure you tell them you spent the last hour volunteering at the Homeless Shelter rather than running around in circles.

ROAD RUNNER

You are friendly, you like people, and you get along well with everyone. Which is good, because everyone is all around you doing exactly what you’re doing. Once upon a time you enjoyed a good quick 5 or 10k, but now no one at the office will give you any respect for that, so you are forced to run marathons, along with all the other secretary’s and waiters.

This Week

This is Week 37 of your Marathon Buildup Plan, which is taped onto your bathroom mirror, so you already know precisely what you are doing down to the last second, and don’t need me to remind you.

Success

If you can just shave 7 seconds per mile during the second half, or not hit that bad patch at mile 20, or drop 4 seconds per mile from the start, you can finally hit that PR you’ve been working at for the past four years. Then you can change your goal and start obsessing about it all over again.

Romance

You’ve got excellent prospects. About 2.5 million of them in fact. They’re all a little skinny, and fashion consists of the latest GPS watch, but so what? The big problem is making the first move. Most of your potential dates are lonely beyond belief, and are secretly dying to meet you, but won’t give the slightest hint or even a sideways glance, as that would be showing weakness to one’s opponent. 

TRAIL RUNNER

You carry a camera instead of a watch on your runs. Which is good, because you are unbelievably slow and don’t really want to know how long that last uphill mile took. You have migrated to one of three spots in the country that are filled with other trail runners and are living the dream, or are dreaming of migrating to one of those three spots in the country, or idolize the runners who have migrated to one of the three spots in the country.

 This Week

A great week lies ahead: the snow is just starting to melt in the high country, you’ll go up there on a warm sunny day, posthole like an idiot for hours, straggle back all scratched up and half-starved, post your photos on Facebook and call it a fabulous day.

Success

Don’t trip on a root and you’ll be fine. Since you don’t really care how fast you are, there’s nothing to worry about, and you don’t, regardless. The newest Kilian video will be out next month, Left Hand Brewery just came out with a new Dark Stout, and life is good.

Romance

Your dog loves you unconditionally, which no human being ever will, so nothing to worry about here either. Plus you’ve got Facebook, so who needs a real person?

ULTRA RUNNER

Once a rare “sign” only seen at a few really weird events, this breed has grown exponentially in recent years. America’s motto “Bigger is Better” has been modified to “Longer is Better”, and you’ve turned all the rules of running upside down: while everyone has always wanted to run their distance as quickly as possible; you want to run as long as possible.

This Week

Eat. Run. Eat. Watch TV. Eat. Sleep.

Success

Set your alarm clock for 11:50 PM, then turn your computer on, load the URL in your browser, and furiously start typing your Personal Information at precisely Midnight … and you just might gain entry into that big race.

Romance

You have tons of friends, and plenty of time to talk with them … hours and hours in fact, every weekend. Plenty of bro’s and sisters, but the opposite sex can be sort of a problem: forget an evening of dancing – you’re too tired – forget dinner out – you’re too tired – forget virtually all forms of dating – too tired – you basically need to find someone who likes the same couch and rental movies as you.

FKT RUNNER

You’ve been there and done that – now you want go somewhere else entirely and do whatever. Fortunately, even as the best runners now have FKT’s as their major goal for the year, there remains a bazillion cool places in the world no one knows about, so you have plenty of room to maneuver while avoiding all those annoying fast people while in pursuit of your own obscure and pointless goals. There’s tons of low-hanging fruit for the FKT aspirant – you only have to walk way out on the limb to find it.

This Week

You’ll stay up until Midnight studying Google Earth, sleuthing through pages of self-aggrandizing blog posts, while plotting your next adventure, one that no one else has ever heard of, or wants to. This may require weeks of effort, but it’s totally worth it in order to not pay entry fees to a race.

Success

You and your partner are crouched in the dirt at 2 AM, and in the dim flicker of headlamps, pull out the map and try to figure out where in bloody heck you are. You’re scrunched together for warmth, drinking the last of your water, forcing down a Cliffbar, pulling on your Buff headband which is your entire cold-weather gear. Hey, wait, there it is – go back to that last cliffband, follow it south, then bushwack down the talus field to where a trail must be. Only 20 miles to go. Great!

Romance

This term means something else to an FKT’er. Romance basically means finding someone who is willing to have sex with you on an irregular and intermittent basis. “Long Term Relationship” means they are willing to put up with that for a long period of time.

Runners are the best, but sometimes even we need some advice – Zola is here to help.  PLEASE POST your Questions and Comments below, and Zola will try.  (And thank you Chris Weidner for inspiration).