April 1, 2016
For Immediate Release
Boulder, CO –
Ultimate Direction, manufacturer of market-leading hydration systems, is pleased to announce the signing of a new Athlete, Katniss Everdeen.
Katniss, a Tribute from District 12, is the Winner of the 74th Hunger Games, plus an entire civil war, and is well known for her extreme endurance, toughness, and problem-solving, in addition to archery skills.
“The Girl on Fire is the perfect addition to our Ambassador Team”, says Buzz Burrell, UD Brand Leader. “Along with Krissy Moehl, Nikki Kimball, Devon Yanko, Michele Yates, and others, we unquestionably field the strongest women’s team ever in the sport.”
“I really look forward to running with Katniss”, says Krissy, who along with Kilian Jornet is the only winner of both the Hardrock 100 and the Ultra Trail du Mont Blanc. “I’m a little faster than she is, which I know is hard to believe, but she has backcountry skills that will really help me on my upcoming trips to the Sierra’s and Peru.”
“Roasted Squirrel is the next energy food”.
Scott Jurek, 7-time winner of the Western States 100 and supported FKT holder on the Appalachian Trail was more measured in his welcome. “While I admit red berries are not the ideal snack, due to complications stemming from certain and excruciating death, a more plant-based diet could probably enable The Mockingjay to achieve her true potential.”
Brian Metzler, Editor of Competitor Magazine and Founder of various other projects we can’t yet mention, believes the timing is perfect. “The Hunger Games have joined the IAAF, where their unparalleled record of horrific graft and profiteering were welcomed with open arms, and have petitioned for inclusion as an official Olympic Sport. Having a vicious fight to the death among young teenagers would be a lovely way to close out the Olympics, as it would bring the crucial Millennials demographic back in front of the TV, and be far more interesting than some boring road Marathon.”
“I look forward to doing a 3 minute video interview of her”, said Bryon Powell, co-owner of iRunFar.com, “as soon as she finishes in the top 3 of some race in Europe no one has heard of or can pronounce.”
“I’m not sure if she qualifies for ‘Ultra Runner of the Year’ voting”, noted Karl Hoagland, owner of Ultrarunning Magazine. “Her results seem to all have taken place in Panem, while we only include those from the United States”. Realizing this will set off the usual fire-storm of protests from ultra runners with too much time on their hands, Karl added, “But our committee of really old people who used to run will take a careful look and see what we can do. Or not.”
Despite the flurry of speculation taking place on social media forums, Ultimate Direction is declining to confirm when the new “KE Survival Vest” will hit the market, because as all their other product introductions have been late, they don’t want to catch more flak when this one probably arrives late as well.
Katniss Everdeen field-testing the KE Survival Vest prototype